Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only way you can get a like from some of the chicks is to take a picture of them while they are standing in front of a bathroom mirror taking a picture of themselves while they are looking thru an album of previous selfies taken earlier that day.

   Any amount of toilet paper is a butt-load of toilet paper.

   You know its cold outside when you trip over dog sh** instead of stepping in it.

   "You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!"

   I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?"

   Mexican president Nieto threatens Trump.. Build the wall and we will launch bottle rockets at you!

   Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; deport him and you do not have to feed him again " Trump 20:17

   For the record, we voted Trump in, because we're sick and tired of being poor, right? That's why I voted for him.

   Whatta ya call Kellyann in 6 months? A waitress....

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.

   Trump has the same problem with the wall as he does in the bedroom ... he can't get it up.

   How do you make White House Soup? You start with a laughing stock and and a whole bunch of nuts.

   Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, but no Mexicans. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes and call it "Twenty Pho Seven."