Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking New's: Trump Admistration set to announce Bernie Madoff as IRS Commissioner....

   The easiest person to make fun of today would have to been the Walmartian who was stalking the corn dog samples.

   Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...

   I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   No surprise Penn State is in the bad news category again, they are a conservative school. Smh.....

   Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?" The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."

   Women love taking showers in boiling hot water, because it reminds them of hell, where they come from ...

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I cut my finger when changing the spark plugs on my car. This proves that it *is* possible to get blood out of a tune-up.

   Someone should tell all the police officers, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the *real* heroes are gays that go public.

   Happy Mothers Day!! For those who aren't Moms and want to be I'm available!!!

   Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.

   Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Happy Mother's Day to my sister for having my kids......some Trump supporter maybe....

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   Steve Miller.. "Some call me the gangster of love"..... Steve Miller`so band... "Ummm, yeah,,, Nobody calls him that"....

   I don't want to seem like a snob,,, but I was the only one to not use a coupon for our Mothers day lunch..

   From a purely ironical perspective,,, He's going to actually walk onto 5th Ave and shoot somebody before this actually ends,,, right?

   Q. Whats the mating call of a Blackbird? A. Stick it in me Leroy!

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.