Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.

   When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   I found a way to lower my bills - I quit paying them.

   uh excuse me, I'm just here looking for the Democratic Restroom.

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Everyone want to see a politician's tax returns. I'd rather see their IQ tests.

   Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone.

   'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....

   You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.

   It took me 2 and a half years of feeding my cat to realize I don't own a cat..

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   The lesbians next door gave my a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

   I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   I started my new Kris Kristofferson diet this morning. A beer for breakfast and another one for desert .

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.