Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out..

   Jeff Bezos: "Alexa. Buy me something from Whole Foods." Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods." Bezos: "$h!t."

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   I wonder if Tupac will make it to his movie premier??

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2017!

   Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in its first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Does ke$ha go by k€sha when she's in Europe?

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You.

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Don't throw away your fidget spinners. Fidget spinners won't kill you. The only thing fidget spinners kill is time.

   Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.

   Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.