Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   There is a fat black lady who looks like Beyoncé on TV

   Heck .... Joy Villa should at least receive a Best Dressed award at the Grammy's!!!

   driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

   It's called the "Grammy Awards" not the "Useful Idiot Awards" ... So shut up and Sing!

   "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.

   i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!