Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   Fighting online is so stupid .... I mean .... What are you gonna do? ..... Busta CAPS LOCK on me?

   Why is Trump telling you to buy a line of clothing an ethics violation, but Obama forcing you to buy health insurance is totally OK?

   Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Getting a bit tired of all of this McCarthyism passing itself off as news in America.

   For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   “Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame

   Ann Coulter is what happens if you feed Kellyanne Conway after midnight.

   And you thought a female would be too emotional to be president?

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

   ..... Hmmmm .... Beginning to wonder why I was hit on by so many gay dudes today. Maybe it's time to rethink my Valentine's wardrobe.

   Damn ... guess yet again I bought all of those Jumbo sized condoms for nothing!! Oh well ... Looks like i'm having another big post Valentines day Water Balloon drop off my balcony tomorrow.

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working tomorrow. They're the real heroes!

   What's more important. The prick of the roses or the prick giving them. . .

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️

   Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two