Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   " Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   My son asked me what a dilemma was? "Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who are you going to turn your back on?"

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.

   Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute

   My wife worked my ass off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.