Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump has decided to withdraw from the Paris Agreement and the English language.

   I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?

   DUI of the Tiger

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   Jeremy Joseph Christain is a hero. America needs more people like him.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?