Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One man's trash is another man's profile picture.

   Does anyone else think that maybe the bright side could be self-conscious?

   I can think of one group of workers who are doing much better under this Trump presidency....comedians

   WOW ... It was actually easy to go to Home Depot today.

   SNL is going to be 2hrs long this week!

   Taco Bell is PACKED today.

   Cant wait till tomorrow so the Mexican hookers go back to work.

   Wow. Dramatic drop in crime today.

   you know, you all should have went out and voted for Hillary... We damn near had the blacks back to picking cotton... smh

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   A woman with her tongue pierced reminds me of Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   Kim Kardashian's marriage with Kris Humphries lasted longer than Michael Flynn in the White House.

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.