Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   I thought that noose around a mocked Obama's neck was funny too......

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

   Can we have a NO Kathy Griffin button?

   Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   Im offended by sexual terms. I think I'll post pictures on the internet of myself depicting a terr0rist group.

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Kathy Griffins next show will be "What ever happened to..."

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.