Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   Im offended by sexual terms. I think I'll post pictures on the internet of myself depicting a terr0rist group.

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Kathy Griffins next show will be "What ever happened to..."

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Kinda shocking to see that pic of Carrot Top holding Trumps head.

   Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!

   I really hope, for humanity sake, that you people were all up in arms and angry when the picture of Obama and the noose surfaced.

   I didn't get the memo. When do we start hating on Stone Cold Steve Austin, since he gave the Stone Cold Stunner to our lord and savior, Trump?

   "Covfefe" definition: (Noun) A fidget spinner for the National media.

   Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.

   Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.