Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.

   Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Someone you know will die doing what they loved: Bathing with their toaster.

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is closing this February 29th-31st in observance of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial service. Please take note.

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   My status updates are now 100% fake news-free!* (*actual percentages may vary.)