Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.

   If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...

   I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

   How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??

   If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments

   When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter."

   I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly

   How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

   If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.