Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   hy do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There's like 10 women to each man and they're already there looking for things they don't need.

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

   .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

   I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?

   Christopher Columbus was the first socialist. "He did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was, and he did it all at taxpayers expense."

   It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

   Somewhere there's a guy named Jayden K. Smith wondering why nobody will accept his FB friend requests

   Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms should be a Convenience Store; not a government agency.

   X and Jayden K. Smith are now friends.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.

   Me: I need to ask you a serious question. GF: OK! First, let me get my mother, sister, BFF and college roommate on speakerphone!! Me: OK, why does a wool sweater shrink when you wash it but sheep don't shrink when it rains??

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   Ladies please stop editing your pictures what if you go missing how are we going to find you you look like Janet Jackson on Facebook but in person you look like Freddie Jackson

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.