Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Don't throw away your fidget spinners. Fidget spinners won't kill you. The only thing fidget spinners kill is time.

   Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.

   Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.

   Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.

   I asked Lebron James for change of a dollar... He gave me only three quarters. I told him he owed me another 25 cents. He told me he doesn't have a fourth quarter.

   Ving, my Asian friend wanted to change his name to Lee. We filled out the paperwork and went to the name change office and got in line. He got nervous and wanted to change his mind but I said "Don't stop, be Lee Ving!!"

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   The police want to interview me which is strange, I didn't even apply for a job there..

   When I was 10, I was given 6 mo. to live and I refused. My mom got mad at me. Damn autocorrect. When I was 10, I was given 6 oz. of liver and I refused. My mom got mad at me.

   When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   Pray for your enemies. Nothing annoys them more than that.

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.