Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 947 of 6446

After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
←Rate |
06-22-2017 14:14
Comments (0)

I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate |
06-22-2017 08:27
Comments (0)

I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?
←Rate |
06-21-2017 11:30
Comments (0)

The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.
←Rate |
06-21-2017 08:14
Comments (3)

Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?
←Rate |
06-21-2017 07:31
Comments (0)

I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.
←Rate |
06-21-2017 07:30
Comments (0)

I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
←Rate |
06-21-2017 07:29
Comments (0)

Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D
←Rate |
06-21-2017 00:57 by Anonymous
Comments (0)

if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep
←Rate |
06-20-2017 14:40
Comments (0)

It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.
←Rate |
06-20-2017 14:29
Comments (0)

Nearly 7K people die every day in the US alone. If you aren't one of them, thank your God, STFU and keep grinding!
←Rate |
06-20-2017 12:32
Comments (0)

If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
←Rate |
06-20-2017 08:51
Comments (0)

The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.
←Rate |
06-20-2017 05:25 by bob
Comments (0)

Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
←Rate |
06-20-2017 00:56 by Noshoes
Comments (0)

Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.
←Rate |
06-19-2017 17:49
Comments (0)

Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.
←Rate |
06-19-2017 17:49
Comments (0)

A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!
←Rate |
06-19-2017 16:51
Comments (0)

Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.
←Rate |
06-19-2017 07:54
Comments (3)

let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......
←Rate |
06-19-2017 07:04
Comments (1)