Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly
←Rate | 06-24-2017 20:56 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
←Rate | 06-24-2017 18:21 by Uncle Bubba Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)
←Rate | 06-24-2017 10:49 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 10:10 by BEE Comments (1)  


   messageicon When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 09:42 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (2)  


   messageicon I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon An American cop fearing for his/her life has a right to take yours even if that fear is unfounded.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 08:22 Comments (1)  


   messageicon To all the "Type 'Yes' and share if you agree" posters: Shaddup.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 21:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 20:49 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (3)  


   messageicon If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...
←Rate | 06-23-2017 12:26 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...
←Rate | 06-23-2017 11:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?
←Rate | 06-23-2017 07:24 by bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 14:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.
←Rate | 06-21-2017 19:33 by the barber Comments (1)  


   messageicon If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?
←Rate | 06-21-2017 11:30 Comments (0)  




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