Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 946 of 6446

n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"
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06-29-2017 08:15
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Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
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06-28-2017 06:59
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If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...
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06-28-2017 06:09
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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06-27-2017 19:36 by snotty
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How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??
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06-27-2017 13:29
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments
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06-27-2017 09:33 by Dp
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When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter."
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06-27-2017 07:42
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I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
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06-27-2017 07:32
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This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
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06-27-2017 02:23
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.
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06-26-2017 07:30
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Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.
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06-26-2017 07:22
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Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.
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06-26-2017 06:56
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And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags
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06-24-2017 20:59 by Aaron
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Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly
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06-24-2017 20:56 by Aaron
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How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)
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06-24-2017 10:49
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I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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06-24-2017 10:10 by BEE
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When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.
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06-24-2017 09:10
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An American cop fearing for his/her life has a right to take yours even if that fear is unfounded.
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06-24-2017 08:22
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