Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.

   Abolish the department of education for failing and producing Paul Rand who wants to abolish the department of education.

   Should men care about women's rights? Before you answer, remember four important women in your life. Sister...Wife...Daughter...Mother...

   I was in the elevator.... I pressed number 1. The elevator said with an attitude: "You're going down." F#¥k you Otis

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."

   If any toys in Toy story died the kids would keep playing with them but the other toys would be playing with their dead friends.......creepy

   A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   Okay. If you're over 10 years old and you still celebrate your birthday as birthday month, you should seek immediate help.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   Trump just blame Obama for wire-tapping his phone. My phone just got tapped too, I blame Trump.

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.