Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly

   How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

   If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.

   An American cop fearing for his/her life has a right to take yours even if that fear is unfounded.

   To all the "Type 'Yes' and share if you agree" posters: Shaddup.

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...

   Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...

   I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?