Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
←Rate | 08-02-2017 05:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 19:38 by Corn Squeezins Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 12:47 by Corn Squeezins Comments (0)  


   messageicon When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch
←Rate | 08-01-2017 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 09:53 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 09:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck
←Rate | 08-01-2017 01:01 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon That was quick. Mooch is down, and I only need one Jeff Sessions for Trump Bingo ! .
←Rate | 07-31-2017 21:44 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 17:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:59 by Kev Walmsley Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:53 by Corn Squeezins Comments (1)  


   messageicon Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?
←Rate | 07-31-2017 10:51 Comments (1)  




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