Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 941 of 6383
I was microwaving my lunch at work today ant three Trump supporters accused me of spying on the President.
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03-13-2017 17:43
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the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.
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03-13-2017 17:39
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even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.
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03-13-2017 17:34
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My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!
I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil
Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover
"a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"
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03-13-2017 14:12
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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03-13-2017 09:06
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Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
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03-13-2017 09:04 by Mick
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I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.
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03-13-2017 08:52
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It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.
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03-13-2017 08:27
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How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.
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03-13-2017 08:08
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I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
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03-13-2017 07:08
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What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
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03-13-2017 01:39
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Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.
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03-12-2017 16:17
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Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.
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03-12-2017 16:16
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I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.
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03-12-2017 16:09
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Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".
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03-12-2017 14:30
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If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.
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03-12-2017 11:52
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Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.
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03-12-2017 10:50
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