Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cop pulled me over for talking on the phone while driving. I didn't get a ticket after I explained that it was my wife. she was doing all the talking and I wasn't really listening

   I made a wish to feel young again. I woke up the next morning with a zit on my nose.

   Jimmy Kimmel asked Americans to find North Korea, but they pointed at Canada. Are we really this stupid?

   "Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won't.

   Can someone explain how Jaime fell off a horse in ankle deep water & then sank into the abyss? Thanks

   A quick temper will make a fool of you very soon. Especially for a lot of people here.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.

   I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren't as cute as donkeys.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player...

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

   Wonder if young Sheldon was attracted to little boys at that age?

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.

   Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.