Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   How many times does you know that we only have certain things in because you are not doing only what he wanted for who did you think about the twelve sheep in my yard are eating the boots inside out they need.

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...

   Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)

   Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities