Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?

   When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.

   Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.

   I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.

   How 'bout that Missouri? Great role model state, eh?

   In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.

   He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

   If Trump cannot deliver the goods for the Kremlin, Putin will have him replaced by someone who can.

   I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

   Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?