Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

   Are you auditioning to be a FOX News host, or do you just enjoy being an uninformed, reality-challenged halfwit?

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   How many times does you know that we only have certain things in because you are not doing only what he wanted for who did you think about the twelve sheep in my yard are eating the boots inside out they need.

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...

   Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.