Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 940 of 6452

I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
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08-04-2017 17:56 by Otis
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I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?
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08-04-2017 11:41
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When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.
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08-04-2017 10:44
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Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!
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08-04-2017 09:45 by TJs Mom
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The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!
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08-04-2017 00:42 by XX-FOXY
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No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches.
On a completely unrelated note;
If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
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08-03-2017 17:14 by scstarman
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Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.
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08-03-2017 14:46
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I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.
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08-03-2017 13:43
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How 'bout that Missouri? Great role model state, eh?
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08-03-2017 13:27
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In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.
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08-03-2017 13:05
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He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

If Trump cannot deliver the goods for the Kremlin, Putin will have him replaced by someone who can.
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08-03-2017 10:34
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I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
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08-03-2017 09:41 by Trueman
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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
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08-02-2017 07:48
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There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.
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08-02-2017 07:46
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5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
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08-02-2017 07:45
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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
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08-02-2017 07:43
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Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
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08-02-2017 07:36
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Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
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08-02-2017 05:06
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