Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An intruder at the White House? Perhaps Trump should start with a garden wall before biting off more than he can chew.

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.

   In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.

   Trump asking the media not to be rude is like Jeffery Dahmer criticizing a victim for their dining etiquette.

   Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.

   Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.

   How much douche could a douche bag douche if a douche bag could bag douche?

   When people simply scale the fence to the White House it really goes to show just how utterly pointless Donald Trump's border wall will be.

   Americans don't need the upcoming Trumpcare CBO report. POTUS already tweeted that his plan was great, so why ruin it with statistical analysis?

   My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.

   I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing.

   Shouldn't liars get their stories straight? Kelly Anne said it's the microwave, Donald said it was the phones and Sean said JUST KIDDING. OMG---it's the three stooges!!

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.