Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Working on being less of an azz than I was yesterday...baby steps.

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   They spy on you through your microwave because they know its the one place you cant put your tin foil.

   If you're one of the people wasting hours of your life throughout the day watching the live stream of that giraffe that refuses to have her baby, just stop. She'll most likely birth at like 3:30am while you're all asleep anyways. #ShesFakingIt #Shejustfat

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   I've stopped brushing my teeth in preparation for St. Patty's Day

   OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.

   I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?

   The microwave sent those nudes, not me.

   I just want to see how many stupid people there are. If you think microwaves are spying on Trump, vote down. If not, vote up.

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.

   I miss the 90s when grunge rock made bedhead cool and fashionable.

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.