Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.

   Trump wants a 30 foot wall.> i'm starting a 35 foot ladder business.

   If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.

   “Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.

   Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.

   Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...