Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.

   The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.

   To be fair, Trump thinks Meals on Wheels is a taco truck and he hates Mexicans.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.

   So, the argument is that Trump said "wire tap" because he couldn't spell "surveillance"?

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   If those terrible doctors hadn't given Trump those five deferments, we would have won Vietnam, bigly.

   BREAKING: Trump cancels annual Easter Egg Roll, claims he "doesn't care for Chinese food".

   Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.

   Reagan had ketchup in school lunches declared a vegetable, so maybe Congress can have Trump declared a vegetable.

   Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.

   I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.

   Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   President Trump's wild accusations shocked Melania because she knew first hand that nothing was getting "tapped" in Trump Tower.

   New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.

   After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.