Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Two blondes were going to disneyland. When they came to a fork in the road . The sign read "disneyland left" so they went back home.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.

   I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

   Parole board: Are you ready to return to society? OJ: I'm ready to take a stab at it.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.

   Labor pain: Is when the foreman on the job sight is watching you work.

   I like the POTUS. Then again. Anything that has pot in I like.

   One doesn't know, what they don't know, untill they don't know it.

   To err is hunam!!

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.