Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Ivanka Trump, the latest to join the cast of the confusing reboot to The West Wing.

   When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.

   Be careful if you are driving around DC this week. Lots of key GOPers are throwing their credibility out the window. That sort of thing could damage innocent passersby.

   CNN has confirmed the intercepted communication was a call to a brothel ordering a young lady willing to pee on an old man. The John was unnamed, but everyone could tell who it was.

   Trump, Conway and Spicer have now been joined in the "Shameless Joke with No Credibility" parade by Mr. Nunes. Is there room for four stooges?

   The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   Trump has taken Take Your Daughter to Work Day to the next level.

   Ivanka Trump's West Wing Duties: 1) Smile. 2) Stick chest out. 3) Hold Daddy's hand and make sure he remains calm. 4) Administer meds.

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.