Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

   The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can.

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   Monster Nursery Rhymes: Humpty Dumpty fell off of Trump's wall and had no health insurance.

   The way Donald Trump’s season is going, he’ll have the first pick in next year’s draft.

   Trump bills Germany $300 BILLION for Nato (even though that's not how it works). Dude will try anything to recoup his Trump Steak losses.

   The leader of the Freedom Caucus confirmed to CNN today that they wouldn't vote yes because Trump didn't say "please".

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   Tough part of being vegan is getting up @ 5 am to milk the almonds...

   Donald Trump is so terrible at negotiating that he can't even find a way to convince his wife to live with him.

   Sean Hannity debating Ted Koppel about real journalism is like a 5-year-old debating his dad about the rules of the house.

   Sources say Michael Flynn may have turned on Trump and become witness for FBI, or as Donald calls them, Female Body Inspectors.

   Apparently the Art of the Deal is actually the doodles you draw on your notepad while your deal crumbles.

   Official White House response: Donald Trump's in meetings. Journalists with cameras and tourists with iPhones: Donald Trump is definitely golfing.