Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...

   My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   May the guy who invented SpellCheck burn in Hello

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating

   : Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.

   Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....

   Dearly beloved God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   : Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   : If a dog loses their tail, where do they get another one? At a retail store.

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   Do not use the one $1.00, $20 or $50 or $100 bills! Slave owners are depicted on them! Help stop this hideous display of racism… Send those bills to me and I will see that they are handled properly... message me for my address,

   We need more statues of naked women

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   DEAR GOD, If you want Hillary to be arrested, give us a sign... Like, blot out the sun, anytime in the next five days. Thanks.

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".