Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need more statues of naked women

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   DEAR GOD, If you want Hillary to be arrested, give us a sign... Like, blot out the sun, anytime in the next five days. Thanks.

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   : trump the me, me, me, it must always be all about me and only me president.

   I have a nutache

   "Did you just eat my donut?" me: Yes, but there's blame on both sides.

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".

   Here's a thought. Let's get up a petition to have CNN classifed as a Hate Group.

   : Trump "This is the longest improv show ever."

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   internet dating... ~ welcome to the future ~

   : A cat never cries over spilled milk.

   : Let's do away with the electoral vote. And go by the actual voter's vote count to determine the winner of an election.

   Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .

   Can't wait, after Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday's Trump fiasco, I'm so looking forward to SNL this Saturday. It's going to be an awesome show.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me