Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone I've met named Sheldon looks like they should be named Sheldon

   Trump is trying to stop Yates from testifying because the only thing he hates more than strong women are strong women who tell the truth.

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   Trump is researching if he has the power to kick Rosie O'Donnell out of the USA. Um, shouldn't he be focused on better and more important issues? He has some weird priorities.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   Trump looks like the rich dad on Law and Order whose son accidentally strangles the hooker.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth" - Trump self pep talk in the mirror every morning.

   Trump and Spicerhave spent the last two months with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

   Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.

   My toddler just demonstrated far superior negotiation skills than the President in talking his way into a cookie before dinner.

   This just in ... aliens no longer want to be taken to our leader.

   So far the only things drained from the swamp have been truth, dignity and legislative ability. Cool hats though.

   few people know that "trump" is a Russian word meaning "tiny handed buffoon who can't close the deal."

   If Trump's nose grew every time he told a lie, Melania could wipe his nose for him in New York when he is sniffling in Washington.

   New course now available at Trump University! The Art Of The Deal: Step 1) Bargain. 2) Fail. 3) Give up. 4) Blame others. 5) Go golfing.

   "Don't be afraid to walk away. Make crazy claims you can't back up. Blame everyone else. Whine. Sit in a big truck." -- The Art of the Deal

   Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista.