Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 925 of 6446

If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.

With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon
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08-20-2017 19:13 by Eddy
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with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance
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08-20-2017 19:04 by Eddy
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I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change
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08-20-2017 18:37 by flinnie
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Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...
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08-20-2017 16:40
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My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.
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08-20-2017 13:14
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How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.
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08-20-2017 09:46 by MarkF
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May the guy who invented SpellCheck burn in Hello
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08-20-2017 09:30
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I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.
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08-20-2017 09:27 by Markf
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Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating
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08-20-2017 07:11 by psycho
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: Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.
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08-19-2017 18:24
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Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....
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08-19-2017 18:11 by jitney
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Dearly beloved God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.
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08-19-2017 17:39 by jitney
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Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too
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08-19-2017 16:58
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: Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.
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08-19-2017 16:43
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I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.
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08-19-2017 14:14
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The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
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08-19-2017 11:24 by SEAN
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: If a dog loses their tail, where do they get another one? At a retail store.
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08-19-2017 02:48
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.Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....
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08-18-2017 19:25
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Do not use the one $1.00, $20 or $50 or $100 bills! Slave owners are depicted on them! Help stop this hideous display of racism… Send those bills to me and I will see that they are handled properly... message me for my address,
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08-18-2017 18:00
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