Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.

   :) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.

   I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.

   I think Prince was hallucinating when he wrote "When Doves Cry". Has anyone ever actually heard a dove cry?

   North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has a hydrogen bomb at breakfast, a submarine ballistic missile at lunch and has one of his uncles executed at dinner

   8 out of 10 people would rather destroy the planet than give up their jobs. Irony at its finest.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.

   The difference between a Socialist and a legitimate homeless guy holding a sign on a street corner, is the guy with the sign is at least putting forth SOME degree of effort to support himself.

   CNN, FOX, MSNBC. I'm not a fan of any biased news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel and one channel only. The Cartoon Network.

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.