Funny Status Messages

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   I was on the phone with Frigidaire service. I called from work. The girl insisted she needed the serial #. She was snippy. I said, "Count Chocula 666."

   What do women want? They don't know. When do they want it? Right now!!

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   The Feast of San Gennaro. The Italian version of carnival food on a street decorated with signs on sticks of the Blessed Virgin Mary begging for money.

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.

   2017 is turning out to be one huge waste of time.

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida

   Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??

   Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.

   :) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.