Funny Status Messages

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN

   Sticks and bones may break my bones...but whips and chains excite me

   My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .

   I'm a wack a doodle teddy. I wack my doodle every time. While watching a porn girl with a big behind. That's how I spend my night time.

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.

   Score one for the good guys! Trump is going to protect the dreamers.