Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: We have trump. You're better off up there.

   Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.

   I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.

   The expression "don;t leave me hanging here" was coined by Jesus of Nazareth on this day over 2000 years ago.

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."