Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 18:14 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power
←Rate | 09-21-2017 16:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 16:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 10:01 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 01:54 by Will Comments (2)  


   messageicon It's only 2017 and I am already sick and tired of the Orange Man.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 22:46 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 17:20 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 13:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 10:16 by ButterCat Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!
←Rate | 09-20-2017 03:56 Comments (2)  




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