Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   I’ve come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   Hurricane Irma rescuers, rescues air jordans from rising flood water at a foot locker store.

   Ted Cruz likes porn.

   The goal keeper in soccer is allowed to pick up the ball...so why doesn't he just pick it up and just run across the field to the other goal?

   What is only a small box, but weighs over 250 pounds? A scale

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   Hurricane Irma: Hillary's only chance for her book to fly off the shelves in Florida.

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   FOX News compares the confederate monuments to the 9/11 memorials.....Okay, if you say so. They're FOX News, they are always right, right?

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   Hurricane Irma flooded Florida so bad, the septic tanks in the sewer system have started to over-flow. I guess Florida is now a brown state.

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.