Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.

   Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.

   Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power

   Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.

   If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

   I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.

   It's only 2017 and I am already sick and tired of the Orange Man.

   Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.

   I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"