Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits, I mean they'd own an ice cream store and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

   Uh, rah rah baseball people. Football season's begun. More You can stop now. Thanks.

   my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight

   Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

   in order for ted cruz to clear his name for liking porn on twitter he should have to eat cake in front of everyone like that kid in matilda

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

   I'm an elephant Circumcisionist! The money's lousy...but the tips are huge!!

   In 1813 Women had no rights. In 1913 women had some rights. In 2013 women think they're always right.

   Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   Warning to parents of young children. Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

   People say Donald Trump's plan to build a wall across the Mexican border is ridiculous. Really? Well, parts of the Great Wall of China were built around 700BC. Do you see any illegal Mexicans in China? I didn't think so.

   I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert