andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?