Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   Male lions fight to impress the females. Bears do it, crocodiles do it and even men do it. Moral of the story: Females get you killed!!

   If you listen closely to your body while working out, you can hear the calories singing "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn".

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   Happiness; you have to chase it around, but misery that b itch waits for us around every corner.

   If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.

   I already hate next year.

   Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn't want to talk about it, you'd better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   Woke up again today. When will it stop?

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn't care.

   Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.

   A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

   If these walls could talk, there would just be one more thing in this house that doesn't answer me when I speak.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.