Huck Funny Status Messages

   The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"

   They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   Keep calm and massively overuse a slogan

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   I bet the most common dying wish is to live longer

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   What I like about you: the way you hold me tight, you know how to dance, you come over at night. Everything else about you repulses me.

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.