Funny Status Messages

   I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   If there are three ducks on a pond and you shoot one how many would be left on the pond? None. The other two would fly away after hearing the gun shot.

   Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.