Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   Don't be sad over the things you lost. Be grateful for the things you still have. Enjoy your day. :)

   R.I.P. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, sorry. It was Hugh Hefner who died. I thought it said Huge Heifer.

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   *coughs for 5 minutes straight* **checks for abs**

   Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   I paid for my wife to have a breast reduction. The doctor goes, "Ah, she wants a loppatittyoffamee."

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   FYI...the NRA has NEVER killed anyone, BUT....Plamned Parebthood has! Millions.

   Rich people stay rich by living like they are poor. Poor people stay poor by living like they are rich.

   The only problem with sport fishing is that the fish have a home field advantage.