Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   They let Robocop keep his human mouth because eating pu$$y is a valuable crime-fighting technique.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog

   Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   The "nut job" told the "nut jobs" that the head of the FBI is a "nut job" You can't make this stuff up

   I plan on buying some men's Rompers. Right after I get a vag installed in the space where my dik and b@lls once occupied.

   I'll never understand someone from upstate NY bragging about their food. Listen up, Schenectady, you're not NYC, you're Vermont Jr.

   The earliest bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese

   Fidget Spinners: Is that like really small women with Turetts Syndrome?

   Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.

   If God loves us why do we have ear hair

   Ted Cruz arrested for cannibalism after eating a bowl of Jell-O

   Roger Ailes (1940-2017) is survived by Satan, Cerberus and Bill O'Reilly.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.