Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick." Say that three times fast.

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   I licked gayray's valuables in a Chicago Home Depot. They were having a half off wood sale so he fit right in

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

   Wish I could have went to the Ariana Grande concert, I heard it was a blast.

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.

   Trump's budget: 2 + 2 = 7

   I say, Tiffany Cormier has some pretty interesting things to say.

   Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."

   And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new drink at Starbucks.

   Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   I think I just seenPodesta going down I95 in a white ford bronco

   How's that wall coming along? I hope it hasn't obstructed traffic for you guys.

   What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.