Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby

   Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.

   HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   I was going to sweep her off her feet until she flew away on my broom.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   "You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.

   Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion

   If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. - Today's media and Nazi Propoganda

   Confucius say: "Wife who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."