Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   Funny how there was no mention of Harvey Weinstein on Kimmy Kimmel last night

   United States population: 323.1 million. Trinidad and Tobago population: 1.3 million. And they just eliminated us from the World Cup.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   You want to force people to stand for the flag? Please tell me more about this FREE country of yours?

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   I know it's early..but I often forget things, so I've just written my letter to Santa, warning him not to drink the milk at Bill Cosby's place!!

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   Didn't know Dolphins do coke. Do they turn their heads upside down?

   Yeah, the coach doing cocaine makes the NFL look so innocent huh libtards?

   Harvey Weinstein is a woman hating jerk. I hope he never makes another dime again.

   If the left truly cared about women, they'd be speaking out against Weinstein....but nothing but crickets!

   Teddy Kennedy, Slick Willie, & Harvey Weinstein...all champions for women's rights!