Funny Status Messages

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   If there are three ducks on a pond and you shoot one how many would be left on the pond? None. The other two would fly away after hearing the gun shot.

   Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   I just drove thru the 'hood and didn't see any NFL players helping the oppressed.

   Just admit it you're acting like a baby! You're just mad because I'm the REAL SLIM SHADY!!! -Trump

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years