Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

   Can we have a NO Kathy Griffin button?

   Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   Im offended by sexual terms. I think I'll post pictures on the internet of myself depicting a terr0rist group.

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Kathy Griffins next show will be "What ever happened to..."

   Charlie Sheen has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   Kinda shocking to see that pic of Carrot Top holding Trumps head.

   Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!

   I really hope, for humanity sake, that you people were all up in arms and angry when the picture of Obama and the noose surfaced.

   I didn't get the memo. When do we start hating on Stone Cold Steve Austin, since he gave the Stone Cold Stunner to our lord and savior, Trump?

   "Covfefe" definition: (Noun) A fidget spinner for the National media.

   Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.