Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   NEW: McCain reacts to Trump’s threat to “fight back and it won’t be pretty.” McCain: “I have faced tougher adversaries.

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   Imagine an orange draft dodger telling you "He knew what he signed up for". I would rather be told this by a real war hero like McCain instead.

   Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.

   Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone