Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   NEW: McCain reacts to Trump’s threat to “fight back and it won’t be pretty.” McCain: “I have faced tougher adversaries.

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   Imagine an orange draft dodger telling you "He knew what he signed up for". I would rather be told this by a real war hero like McCain instead.

   Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.

   Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."