Funny Status Messages

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   Jeff Flake voted against disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina. And the guy hates Trump. Now that's saying something.

   You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.

   I used to complain because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I asked him if he had any shoes I could have since he didn't need them anymore.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it a "Beanbag Chair" and not a "Sack of Sit"?

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.

   If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?

   Unprotected sex is like using a credit card, enjoy now and pay later.

   Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.

   Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?

   Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.

   I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.