Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   Nothing says IN GOD WE TRUST quite like having nuclear weapons.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Pro-Trump Girl’s Hair Set On Fire By Anti-Trump Protester At Women’s March. Lib posterchild.

   A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

   If Trump gets impeached, I will seriously commit suicide!

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.

   What has red hair, big feet, and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   I'm pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy because at that point why the heck not?

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   Watching Comey testify was like watching Geraldo Rivera busting into Capone's vault....lots of media hype for nothing!

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.