Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.

   An ugly dude asking you out is NOT sexual harassment.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.

   RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.

   Who needs a TV reality show when you have the GOP civil war to look forward to?

   Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   Jeff Flake voted against disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina. And the guy hates Trump. Now that's saying something.

   You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.