Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.

   this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers

   God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

   Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!

   Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.

   According to your logic, I guess 9/11 is fake news because CNN reported it.

   Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?

   Over here is just as empty as Ivanka Trump women's empowerment speech in Tokyo.

   Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation

   The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.

   Choked on my coffee this morning so I guess I'm done for my daily cardio.

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.

   The only true anonymous donor is the guy who knocked up your daughter.

   My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.

   Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!

   Trump: " I prefer Coca-Cola " MSNBC: " Trump declares war on the whole Pepsi generation "

   A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   So the Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. Sort of reminds me fondly of last year's presidential election. (Red State beats Blue State).