Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"

   A big part of adulthood is waking up every morning wondering if you have caught a cold or is this just the new normal?

   so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?

   The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

   Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!

   I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car

   I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

   No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.

   *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?

   So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?

   I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

   When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you

   I'd wait in line to slap you for waiting in line for the new iPhone.

   Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.

   Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC

   Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January