Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.

   They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.

   How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?

   I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

   Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"

   A big part of adulthood is waking up every morning wondering if you have caught a cold or is this just the new normal?

   so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?

   The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

   Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!

   I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car

   I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

   No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.

   *takes a long drag from a cigarette *points at your baby What's wrong with your dog?

   So where am I supposed to put my rage when I’m driving?

   I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

   When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you

   I'd wait in line to slap you for waiting in line for the new iPhone.

   Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.