Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up what did he go back to?

   No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

   Thin pancakes give me the crepes

   To everyone that signed my 7th grade yearbook. You will be happy to know I did in fact “stay cool”

   Doctor:Congratulations it's a musician! Dad: goddammit, he'll be living at home till he's 50

   2022 will go in the history books as the year they legalized insanity!

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line.

   I'm wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   I met a comedian once. He was a stand-up guy.

   Ego and Superego go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry boys, I need to see some ID."

   I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

   I take half a viagra every night before bed.. Keeps me from pissing on my slippers .

   Why is it that a dog can smell a hamburger from a mile away but has to get within a 1/2 an inch to smell another dog's butthole?

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the "less popular" manwoman.

   Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

   God please let me find $80,000 on the floor today

   I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. I knew right then we weren’t going to workout.

   Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

   I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too