Funny Status Messages

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money......It doesn't buy "CLASS" no matter how many millions of it you have got

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer

   I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car

   I wonder if Charles Manson ever got ashes on Ash Wednesday to cover up that swastika.

   You seem like the kind of person who pickles things in their free time.

   Many women don't know this, but an ugly guy asking you out ISN'T considered sexual harassment. Just saying...

   As long as you yell "DODGEBALL" you're allowed to throw anything at anyone at anytime.

   This quilt would get done a lot faster if the guy behind me would stop beeping his horn

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   Supporters cheer Roy Moore as he runs naked through a mall, his genitals concealed by various amusingly phallic objects

   Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor

   You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme

   commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials

   Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

   The punisher is like every other Marvel Tv show on Netflix. Could have done everything in 2 episodes but decided to add 8 more unnecessary ones.

   So I was right! - I tell my wife about buying the genetically modified turkey as I eat the 5th turkey leg