Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   I feel like everytime a Trump employee quits or gets fired, Oompa Loompas should appear and sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony and greed.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in church. But not in prison.

   When OJ gets out, he going to kill it on Tinder.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sammich like other women?

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   [at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.

   OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.

   "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"

   I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

   OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".

   The Dallas Cowboys just offered OJ a 2 year contract.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.