Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The way Hollywood actors are these days, Charles Manson may have simply been ahead of his time.

   Donald Trump drinks water the same way squirrels eat nutz.

   If a man puts a vibrator to his ear he’ll hear how he’s not good in bed.

   "Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow" sound terrifying.

   Crustard: The dried mustard on the cap.

   I bought a new Christmas Tree today. The shop owner said to me, "Are you going to put that up yourself?", "No" I replied, "I was thinking to put it in the Lounge!"

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   Biggest joke of 2017: Blake Shelton named sexiest man alive.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   You know it was a rough night when your IPhone doesn't recognize you in the morning.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   Where were these 22 year old female teachers back when I was in high school?

   Breaking news! Colin Kaepernick spotted working at a McDonald’s in Northern California!

   A report says Fred Flintstone forced a 16-year-old girl into having sex with him and Barney Rubble......

   I liked Meatloaf before he got all soft on us and changed his name to Adele.

   Welcome to another episode of Am I Dying or Just Really Tired?

   And I care about Charles Manson going to the hospital because?

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   I bet you Trump pronounces the country 'Niger' with an extra "g" in the middle.

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.