Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My theory is that Big Foot is in hiding because he's self conscious about the size of his feet.

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   That awkward time when you post something on Facebook that nobody likes...

   According to this ancestry dot com report, you come from a long line of fools and their money spent on reports

   Once again this year, Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

   Xmas idea: let your child watch Chucky, then explain Elf on the Shelf

   God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!

   What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?

   "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.

   panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?

   Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight