Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   I was driving yesterday and I saw one of those Pokemon things and ran over it. Or maybe it was a BLM protester. Not sure.

   If the 2nd Amendment only applies to muskets, then government healthcare should only apply to leeches, bloodletting, and lobotomies.

   Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.

   Government should give us all free healthcare, it is our right.. This same government that has had a cure for cancer since the 60's, and still keeps it outlawed.

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls

   If health care is a right then why don't I have the right to refuse it with. That is the different between a Right and a law boys and girls

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   If the 2nd only covers muskets and cannons, then healthcare only covers band aids and tylenol. Libera@1 logic at its best.

   They put up signs on my street for "Slow Children." I knew these kids were stupid but damn, do they really need to advertise it????

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   I remember how it felt so good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go