Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to this ancestry dot com report, you come from a long line of fools and their money spent on reports

   Once again this year, Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

   Xmas idea: let your child watch Chucky, then explain Elf on the Shelf

   God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!

   What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?

   "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.

   panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?

   Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger

   This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.