bego Funny Status Messages

   My Ex texted me: "I Miss You..." So I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f***.......

   What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   Snooki's pregnant...? Finding the father is gonna be harder than finding Waldo, but I bet Waldo fuck$d her too anyway.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge

   How do you know Asians robbed your house? Your cat's gone, your homework's done, and they're still backing out of the driveway.

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.

   I'm fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity. 

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   This bitc$ got a million dollar body and a food stamp face.

   My Cousin in Jail just asked me to update his Facebook Relationship Status to "Its Complicated!" ...Man just say you Gay!

   Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone asa a light, yup that high..

   Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.

   Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.

   OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.

   We live on a world where smart people are called nerds and social outcast, and stupid people are the cool ones. And they get all the damn hot chicks.

   People who take pictures of them with tons of money and post them on Facebook…………. have no money.

   Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.