Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my parents didn’t raise an idiot I actually did that all by myself

   Hey, Baby is your name Pfizer? Because you make my heart stop.

   If you swear an oath to always use the same furniture polish, do you have to recite the Allegiance of Pledge?

   Right and wrong are not for sure The castle made of sand will fall One thing is certain Heart and heart

   2 years ago I forgot to get halloween candy so I put a bowl out with some pre rolled joints ! I got 6 kids ! Last year , 673 stoners got chips

   Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me to "relax...it's only gas".

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society

   So, where are the "Why does the military only get one day" people? I mean surely if its important and they care, surely theyd mention it in the last 3 months, right?

   Why do Ziploc bags & trash bags come in a box? I guess the companies can't use bags

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.

   what do asians do when they have Erections? Vote

   If anyone wants a list of my favourite Bugs Bunny quotes, I'll send them to you in a WhatsApp doc

   When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up what did he go back to?

   No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

   Thin pancakes give me the crepes

   To everyone that signed my 7th grade yearbook. You will be happy to know I did in fact “stay cool”

   Doctor:Congratulations it's a musician! Dad: goddammit, he'll be living at home till he's 50

   2022 will go in the history books as the year they legalized insanity!

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.