Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

   During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Master Card and Visa.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer. lol!

   my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel

   why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   just had a near-work experience...

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...

   My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.