Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can’t decide between two things, toss a coin. Not because it will decide for you, but in that brief moment it’s flipping in the air, you will realize what you really wish for.

   My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.

   Never treat someone like an iPhone6s if they treat you like a Nokia 3310

   Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   My theory is that Big Foot is in hiding because he's self conscious about the size of his feet.

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   That awkward time when you post something on Facebook that nobody likes...

   According to this ancestry dot com report, you come from a long line of fools and their money spent on reports

   Once again this year, Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

   Xmas idea: let your child watch Chucky, then explain Elf on the Shelf

   God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!

   What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?