Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently calling a pair of conjoined twins "hipsters" is not cool.

   There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."

   Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."?

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.

   You know your girlfriend is horny when you put your hand up her skirt and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

   North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.

   Looks like all the funny kids are back in school...

   it me, or is *** an annoying prick for all his incomplete jokes? Go away *** you bother me!

   For a person who loves having a lot of gold things. That trump would have a golden retriever.

   To the people who are offended by this song...Well...let me tell you.. The Lady is a Tramp song by Frank Sinatra was a song written about my mother! Now,if you got a problem with thiat Then....Obviously that means you must have slept with her..

   * A russian couple, Rudolf & Tosha are driving home. Tosha: Looks like it's starting to snow. Rudolf: It's rain. Tosha: no I think it's snow. Rudolf: Rudolf the "red" knows rain dear.

   I'm sure the white house has leaks....it's an old building

   * Kinky versus perverded kinky is useing a feather during sex. Perverded is useing the whole duck.

   who gives a rat ass - nuttin we can do about it anyways

   I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.

   * Reverend mother has been constipated for a week. The nuns tried home remedies without sussess. One nun said how about I go out to a bar. The other nuns ask how will that help ? She said if I go and come back drunk reverend mother will sh*t for sure.

   Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

   I cop pulled me over for talking on the phone while driving. I didn't get a ticket after I explained that it was my wife. she was doing all the talking and I wasn't really listening