Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 864 of 6446

According to my wife, my fashion style is "are you going out like that?"
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12-19-2017 11:10
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Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.
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12-19-2017 11:09 by markf
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its christmas time. lets see some funnies and not democratic bull
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12-19-2017 05:09
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I don't care what we have for Christmas dinner as long as it's lasagna.
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12-19-2017 04:00
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You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
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12-18-2017 10:54
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I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.
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12-18-2017 07:07
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There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
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12-18-2017 06:57
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier lady at the 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.
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12-18-2017 06:45
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Maybe if we tell some people that their brain is an app they'll start using it.
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12-17-2017 08:10
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Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.
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12-17-2017 00:50 by Jake
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The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.
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12-17-2017 00:29
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I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .
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12-16-2017 23:31
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Gotta love Amazon wish lists, it's like saying "it's the thought that counts, so long as you only buy me exactly what I want.
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12-16-2017 11:35 by JoshS
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"I'm not like other girls", she whispered into the mirror while combing her hair with the claw end of a hammer.
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12-16-2017 11:03
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You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
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12-16-2017 08:14
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If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?
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12-16-2017 08:08
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Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?
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12-16-2017 07:58
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there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.
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12-16-2017 07:53
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Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.
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12-16-2017 07:46
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The movie HOME ALONE would never work now. What kid is going to look up from his smartphone after 10 hours and realize no one is around?
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12-16-2017 07:41
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