Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   i can't believe no American radio station played total eclipse of the heart yesterday, what a waste of an eclipse

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   NASA: don't look up at the eclipse without the required glasses Trump: what does NASA know? I have amazing eyes. Best eyes you've ever seen

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   I am sure glad no one got a picture of my full moon....

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   For Sale: Eclipse glasses. Like new. Only used once. Make offer.

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!

   I thought cross fit was a way to get abs like Jesus.

   "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." -Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   Everyone keeps talking about a civil war. A key detail everyone keeps forgetting...one side has 8 trillion bullets and the other doesn't know which bathroom to use.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.