Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now, all we need is Nancy to be home

   Last year's most expensive vehicle to operate was the Apollo Lunar Roving Vehicle. This year it is the Grocery Cart.

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   Some one wrote on the back of my neighbors work van, ' Wish my wife was this dirty'.... so under it I wrote ' She and her boyfriend is when you are at work

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember this. you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   I expect Twitter to remain mostly the same under Elon except it’ll somehow get massive federal subsidies and occasionally burst into flames

   My dad always told me "Theres 4 kinds of people, Those who can count and those who cant"

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force within this group - as if a hemorrhoid outbreak of epic proportions suddenly stole the sense of humor from every soul in here, and the likes and laughs were suddenly silenced..... ~Obi-Wan

   Not sure what kinda jokes get a laugh in here, but wow - haven't seen one with more likes than unlikes in months - tough crowd these days. I guess it's just a sign of the times....

   Costco - the only store you go into for cheap toilet paper and come out with 40 pounds of cheese, 3-dozen muffins, and a 5-gallon bucket of Tide Pods...

   Cooking Tip #142: If you use a good quality olive oil in a shallow non-stick pan, it will help the Kale to slide off much faster into the garbage can where it belongs....

   This new deodorant label said "remove cap and push up bottom". Now my armpits still stink and my buttcheeks burn, but every time I pass gas the room smells like Old Spice...

   At age 90 William Shatner became the oldest person to go to space, when he paid to go on the Blue Origin capsule. I just wanna know if he bought his ticket on Priceline.com....

   I was in line at Wal-Mart and the customer in front of me had a perfectly trimmed, full, beautiful mustache, so I commented and paid a kind compliment. Then out of nowhere, she grabbed her purse, gave me a dirty look, and stormed off. Some people.....

   Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

   I’m creating a new perfume for introverts. It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

   Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

   I once had a job with the FBI's Hostage Negotiation Team. Every time I tried to call in sick they talked me out of it.

   Probably switching from Verizon. Sent my wife a text saying “I’m your lover forever and I owe you all my affection” and their stupid autocorrect changed it to “I have liver failure and I owe you all my affliction”

   I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.