Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   "O say can you something something" - Donald Trump singing our National Anthem.

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .

   Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for genius.

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!

   Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.

   I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.

   30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.