Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   "O say can you something something" - Donald Trump singing our National Anthem.

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .

   Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for genius.

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!

   Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.

   I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards.

   30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.