Funny Status Messages

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too

   A gambling addiction can cost you your marriage or win you a divorce

   All houses made out of wood are tree houses.

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   People usually ask me why I don't have any tattoos, I asked them " would you put a bumper sticker on your Ferrari ?

   From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him

   If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused

   Little girl was crying and told me she was lost. "You're at City Park, kid."

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.