Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   If you stubbed your toe, it probably was Trump's fault

   I really wouldn't be worried about Hurricane Jose, there's no way Trump will let him into the country....

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   I'm sure those pesky Russians are behind these hurricanes!!

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   I was on the phone with Frigidaire service. I called from work. The girl insisted she needed the serial #. She was snippy. I said, "Count Chocula 666."

   What do women want? They don't know. When do they want it? Right now!!

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   The Feast of San Gennaro. The Italian version of carnival food on a street decorated with signs on sticks of the Blessed Virgin Mary begging for money.

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.

   2017 is turning out to be one huge waste of time.

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...