Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "One day, I hope to travel to Botswana to gonto school and become a success sonmy children will have it easier than I did" siad no one, ever.

   Women drivers be like Did I just run over someone?

   Look son, you march right back in there and take that Batman costume off. I'm the Batman of the family and YOU KNOW IT!

   You learn something new every day. Countries that have 90% poverty and you cant drink the water are paradise, instead of the $h1tholes we though they are.

   Norwey is one of the richest countries per Capita in the World! Why would they want to come to your s**thole country, USA?

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".

   I see on Twitter that January 13 is National Rubber Duck Day. On Wikipedia I learned that this bill was signed into law by President Ford in 1975 after it barely squeaked through the senate.

   I'll bet if two antennas fell in love, the wedding wouldn't be anything special, but the reception would be excellent.

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   Just had a bowl of generic Frosted Flakes. They’re grrrrrrrr.......okay I guess.

   Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing

   Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.

   My Ex was so ugly that when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.

   Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.