BEGO Funny Status Messages

   It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.

   Rearrange these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTILER 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Did you read..........Spine, Lither, Ginger and Subtext?

   Once these h$es realize 1+1= 2 and NOT 3 the world will be a better place.

   I am a nurse, I'm just not registered.

   I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a s#it. Cabinet: Bi$ch, don't look at me. Freezer: LOL. You like ice?

   Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.

   I'm going to change my name to 'Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."

   I said to a fat girl today, "You're a big girl!" She replied, "Tell me something I don't know." I said, "Salad tastes good."

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"

   Best childhood memory? Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning..

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)

   Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.

   I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." I held onto it, just in case he was right.

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions

   I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.