Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN

   Sticks and bones may break my bones...but whips and chains excite me

   My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .

   I'm a wack a doodle teddy. I wack my doodle every time. While watching a porn girl with a big behind. That's how I spend my night time.

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.