Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 845 of 6446

Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.
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01-23-2018 15:47
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Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.
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01-23-2018 15:44
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The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.
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01-23-2018 15:43
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Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate.
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01-23-2018 15:41
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Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags
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01-23-2018 15:07 by markf
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Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"
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01-23-2018 15:03
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To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
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01-23-2018 14:48
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I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.
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01-23-2018 14:37
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According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
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01-23-2018 04:53
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Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.
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01-22-2018 23:57
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Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.
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01-22-2018 23:52
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I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.
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01-22-2018 21:19 by Jake
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One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.
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01-22-2018 20:17 by Jake
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The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.
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01-22-2018 20:14 by Jake
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I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?
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01-22-2018 17:38 by Hen-Ree
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Question of the day: Do people eat Tide Pods because Trump is president, or is Trump president because people are dumb enough to eat Tide Pods?
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01-22-2018 16:46
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Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.
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01-22-2018 12:52 by Jake
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The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.
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01-22-2018 07:59
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Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
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01-22-2018 07:58
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