Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   Question of the day: Do people eat Tide Pods because Trump is president, or is Trump president because people are dumb enough to eat Tide Pods?

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.