Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 845 of 6446

To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
←Rate |
01-23-2018 14:48
Comments (1)

I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.
←Rate |
01-23-2018 14:37
Comments (0)

According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
←Rate |
01-23-2018 04:53
Comments (0)

Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 23:57
Comments (0)

Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 23:52
Comments (0)

I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 21:19 by Jake
Comments (0)

One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 20:17 by Jake
Comments (1)

The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 20:14 by Jake
Comments (0)

I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?
←Rate |
01-22-2018 17:38 by Hen-Ree
Comments (0)

Question of the day: Do people eat Tide Pods because Trump is president, or is Trump president because people are dumb enough to eat Tide Pods?
←Rate |
01-22-2018 16:46
Comments (5)

Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 12:52 by Jake
Comments (1)

The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 07:59
Comments (0)

Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 07:58
Comments (0)

I almost got raped in jail once. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 07:54
Comments (0)

I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."
←Rate |
01-22-2018 07:53
Comments (0)

The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 07:52
Comments (0)

BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 07:30
Comments (0)

Let them hate. Just make sure they spell your name right.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 05:40
Comments (0)

Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.
←Rate |
01-22-2018 05:30
Comments (0)