Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"

   Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   Double negatives are a no-no.

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.